


five easy steps to being the cool cousin

by rainbowblue13



Series: how did we get here? [7]
Category: Do No Harm (TV), Hamilton - Miranda, In the Heights - Miranda
Genre: Basically, Fix-It of Sorts, Gay, Gen, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, alexander is the mediator and he's done with everyone's shit, overprotective usnavi, ruben doesnt know what's happening
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 08:57:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10716249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowblue13/pseuds/rainbowblue13
Summary: moneydude: this is an interventionmoneydude: because you lil shits are KILLING memoneydude: except for you ruben, youre great and we love youOr, there's a lot of things Sonny and Usnavi don't talk about, and Alexander has to deal with it





	five easy steps to being the cool cousin

**Author's Note:**

> HI! Sorry I didn't upload for a bit, I was on a trip to see my own cousins for the weekend. Besides, once school starts up again (literally tomorrow) my uploads are gonna be more sporadic, so I apologize in advance D:
> 
> also there isn't too much Ruben in this one but it'll pick up later, i swear. i love all of these dudes. hope you enjoy!

  **usnavy:** what's a good excuse for me going to the same diner Sonny and Pete are going to tonight?

**moneydude:** usnavi, for the last time, stop stalking your cousin and his boyfriend

**usnavy:** BUT I WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING

**moneydude:** trust me, you probably dont

**usnavy:** can you send your bodyguard dudes?

**moneydude:** Usnavi, i am not gonna send the secret service to spy on your cousin

**usnavy:** porfavooooor

**moneydude:**  N O

**usnavy:** :(

**rebelen:** I am?? Concerned??

**moneydude:** navi is just overprotective

**rebelen:**  What? No, not that

**rebelen:**  The lab results came back

**usnavy:** ours?

**rebelen:**  Yes

**moneydude:**  and?

**rebelen:**  I mean

**rebelen:**  I've seen stuff that should be impossible before

**rebelen:**  But apparently

**rebelen:**  We all have the same DNA

**usnavy:** are you saying we're related??

**moneydude:**  that's insane, you're kidding

**rebelen:**  No, we're not related

**rebelen:**  By "the same DNA" I mean the s a m e DNA

**rebelen:**  I ran the tests and it's as if the same person had three samples

**usnavy:** but... what does that mean??

**rebelen:**  I DON'T KNOW THIS IS SCIENTIFICALLY IMPOSSIBLE

**moneydude:**  so you're saying we're like

**moneydude:**  clones??

**rebelen:**  I have no idea

**usnavy:** wow

**rebelen:**  I don't know how to handle this information?? I need to take more tests

**moneydude:**  hey how about no

**moneydude:**  look, honestly who gives a shit why we look the same?

**rebelen:**  Me

**usnavy:** I don't know, ruben, i think alex has a point

**rebelen:**  ?????

**usnavy:** i'm just glad i got to meet you guys, no matter why we look so similar

**usnavy:** paciencia y fe, man

**moneydude:**  exactly ^^^^

**moneydude:**  besides, do you really wanna spend your time figuring out a complicated, technically impossible scientific anomaly? again?

**rebelen:**  ...

**usnavy:** what are you guys talking about?

**moneydude:**  nothing 

**rebelen:**  I guess... I guess you guys are right

**moneydude:**  yea, who gives a shit??

**usnavy:** hell yeah, alabanza!

**usnavy:** we ought to give less shits

**rebelen:**  Hahaha

**moneydude:**  To not giving a shit!!!

**rebelen:**  To not giving a shit!

**usnavy:** whooo!

**usnavy:** hey, hypothetical question

**usnavy:** what would be the phone passcode of a teenager with a boyfriend

**usnavy:** hypothetically

**moneydude:** C E A S E

* * *

**moneydude:**  hey sonny, it's alex, im friends with usnavi

**sonnysideup:** ye i remember u

**sonnysideup:** sup

**moneydude:**  you should probably know usnavi might try to hack your phone

**sonnysideup:** um okay

**sonnysideup:** why??

**moneydude:**  pete

**sonnysideup:** jfc

**moneydude:** yeah i kno

**moneydude:**  i mean, im not gonna let him or anything, and he's in the wrong here

**moneydude:**  but i think he's doing it cause you won't talk to him about stuff

**moneydude:**  and he's just worried

**sonnysideup:** i guess

**sonnysideup:** thx for the heads up

**moneydude:**  no problem

**sonnysideup:** wait how did u get my phone nmbr??

**moneydude:**  i work in the government

**sonnysideup:** ?? cool i guess

**moneydude:**  i dont know if i should be offended

**sonnysideup:** lol

* * *

**usnavy:** Sonny, you're late. again.

**sonnysideup:** omw

**usnavy:** what??

**sonnysideup:** on my way

**usnavy:** i cant get the hang of these acronyms

**sonnysideup:** hey uh, btw

**sonnysideup:** are u rlly ok with me and pete?

**sonnysideup:** like, togethr?

**usnavy:** that's a sudden question, but i though we already talked about this?

**sonnysideup:** we talked abt me liking boys and me being w/ a boy

**sonnysideup:** but pete, specifically

**usnavy:** i... have grown to accept the guy. you know i really appreciate what he did for the bodega and all. 

**sonnysideup:**  and pete w/ me?

**usnavy:** look i accept you guys and all, but you can't expect me to forget the "dtf" incident

**sonnysideup:**  oh

**sonnysideup:**  right

**usnavy:** i mean christ sonny, you're still pretty young for all that stuff

**usnavy:** you do know like... how to do /it/, right?

**sonnysideup:**  omfg navi no

**usnavy:** like, if you ever need to talk about it! im here!

**sonnysideup:**  not only is this mega awkward but do you even know the logistics if its between two guys??

**usnavy:** i mean, kinda

**usnavy:** i can look it up!

**sonnysideup:**  id rather u didnt

**sonnysideup:**  almost there

**usnavy:** please don't stock the baby formula next to the condoms this time

**sonnysideup:**  lol ok

* * *

**usnavy:** GUYS

**usnavy:** I HAVE A REQUEST OF YOU

**usnavy:** PARTICULARLY @moneydude

**moneydude:**  okay??

**usnavy:** um

**usnavy:** how does gay sex work?

**moneydude:**  i have no idea what i expected but it wasnt that

**usnavy:** I wanna help sonny but i cant give him the talk if i don't know the legolistics of it

**rebelen:**  ... Do you mean logistics?

**usnavy:** yeah that

**usnavy:** i mean,,,, where does your dick even go??

**moneydude:**  i dont know whether to laugh or cry

**moneydude:**  ugh okay im only gonna do this cause it's sonny

**moneydude:**  do you want me to explain it lightly or?

**rebelen:**  Aaand I'm gonna back out until you guys finish this conversation. Later.

**usnavy:** just give it to me straight

**moneydude:**  ironic choice of words

**usnavy:** whoops

**moneydude:**  okay uuuuh

**moneydude:**  jfc

**moneydude:**  basically: guy A puts his dick in guy B's butt

**usnavy:** o w

**usnavy:** doesn't it hurt like hell??

**moneydude:**  thats what lube is for

**usnavy:** oh ok, i know what that is

**moneydude:**  and it is recommended for guy A to wear a condom because STDs, but i doubt sonny or pete have to worry about that

**usnavy:** ay bendito

**moneydude:**  you done? you good?

**usnavy:** fffdfffff daMMIT

**moneydude:**  what??

**usnavy:** I DON'T KNOW IF SONNY IS GUY A OR B

**moneydude:**  christ

* * *

**moneydude:**  hey uh, usnavi wants to give you "the talk"

**sonnysideup:**  i kno, he was like "ask me abt anything" this morning

**sonnysideup:**  which is ironic, bc he doesnt kno anything abt gay sex

**moneydude:**  well

**moneydude:**  he does now

**sonnysideup:**  what???

**sonnysideup:**  wtf did u tell him

**moneydude:**  the basics

**moneydude:**  also uh

**moneydude:**  i think he's gonna ask if u top or bottom

**sonnysideup:**  ME AND PETE HAVENT EVEN GOTTEN TO THAT

**moneydude:** IM SORRY

**sonnysideup:**  AAAAAAAAH

* * *

**rebelen:**  Hi guys!

**moneydude:**  @usnavy ARE YOU SERIOUS

**usnavy:** uuuuuuuh

**rebelen:**  Oh god, what happened now?

**moneydude:**  a lot of things

**moneydude:**  but mainly

**moneydude:**  @usnavy DID YOU ACTUALLY GIVE YOUR YOUNGER COUSIN A BOX OF CONDOMS AND LUBE

**rebelen:**  Oh my fucking god

**usnavy:** I PANICKED

**moneydude:**  THAT IS NOT A REGULAR RESPONSE TO PANIC

**rebelen:**  I'm in shock but I'm also laughing my ass off

**usnavy:** aa a a aa a a a a a a a a a a a h

**usnavy:** wait alex how did you know??

**moneydude:**  i have my ways

* * *

Earlier...

**sonnysideup:**  dude

**moneydude:**  what's up?

**sonnysideup:**  i just had the weirdest experience in my life

**moneydude:**  how'd that go?

**sonnysideup:**  usnavi wanted to have the talk i think but he kept getting too flustered to make full sentences and i didnt rlly feel like filling in the blanks

**sonnysideup:**  so he just gave me a box and gave me the rest of the day off

**moneydude:**  whats in the box ?

 

_sonnysideup has sent a picture_

 

 

**moneydude:**  HOLY SH I T

**sonnysideup:**  i crave death

**moneydude:**  u sure u dont crave pete?

**sonnysideup:**  stop

**sonnysideup:**  this is the worst fml

**moneydude:**  he's just trying to help

**sonnysideup:** and embarassing the crap out of me in the process!! why cant he just leave it alone??

**moneydude:**  cause he cares about you

**sonnysideup:**  pfft. sure.

**moneydude:**  ?? dude im serious

**sonnysideup:**  did u kno that we won the lotto once?

**moneydude:**  weird switch of topics but shit really? thats cool

**sonnysideup:**  yea except that usnavis first instinct was to fly off to d.r. and ditch me here

**sonnysideup:**  because why should he care right

**sonnysideup:**  and when i called him out on his shit he just said "but im giving a part of the money to you!" as if that made it ok

**sonnysideup:**  like he was paying me for my service or somethin

**sonnysideup:**  ofc he ended up staying but still

**sonnysideup:**  he shouldnt have such a big problem leaving me alone

**moneydude:**  ... shit

**sonnysideup:**  yea

**sonnysideup:**  hey i gotta look at the silver lining

**sonnysideup:**  which is?

**sonnysideup:**  free condoms lmao

**moneydude:**  omfg

* * *

**moneydude:**  anY W Ay

**moneydude:** @usnavy you have no chill whatsoever

**usnavy:** look okay i just want to help because i'm always fucking terrified i'm gonna be unsupportive without realizing because it's happened and i've never dealt with this kind of thing before and i love sonny so much he's the only family i have left and i want him to be able to come to me with any problems or things he might be dealing with and i have no idea why you're saying im not chill i'm the chillest dude ever i am super chill about this and not crushingly paranoid that i'll be a bad cousin to sonny like i usef to be

**usnavy:** *used

**rebelen:**  So uh, same advice as last time

**rebelen:**  TELL HIM

**rebelen:**  Literally just copy paste that paragraph

**usnavy:** i can't just do that?¿

**moneydude:**  bruh if you can give your cousin a box of condoms and go out of your way to be more educated for his sake there is no way you're being unsupportive. youre like the most supportive guy i know to us, and we arent even related

**moneydude:**  i mean there was the whole weird dna shit with ruben's tests but wHATEVER

**moneydude:**  and i kno theres a bit of bad blood between you to but u have to talk it out

**usnavy:** a a a a a a a h

**moneydude:**  ugh fine

**moneydude:** i'll take matters into my own hands

 

_moneydude has added sonnysideup to the chat_

 

**sonnysideup:** um

**sonnysideup:** sup??

**usnavy:** ALEX PLEASE

**moneydude:** this is an intervention

**moneydude:** because you lil shits are KILLING me

**moneydude:** except for you ruben, youre great and we love you

**rebelen:**  I'm flattered but why exactly am I here though?

**moneydude:** youre my second, which means you just have to agree with me and make me sound smarter

**rebelen:**  Why must you give me such a difficult task

**moneydude:** i cant tell if that's an insult or not so imma just ignore it

**moneydude:**  NOW @sonnysideup YOUR COUSIN IS A DORK BUT HE LOVES YOU AND WANTS TO BE SUPPORTIVE EVEN IF HE CAN GO OVERBOARD. HE'S TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR PAST MISTAKES AND EVEN IF IT CAN BE EMBARRASSING AND A PAIN, DON'T TAKE IT FOR GRANTED BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T GET THAT

**moneydude:**  AND @usnavy YOUR COUSIN LOVES YOU TOO BUT HE'S HIS OWN PERSON AND CAN MANAGE HIMSELF. HE'S ALSO A TEENAGER, SO HE WON'T TELL YOU EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERYTHING, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE DOESN'T TRUST YOU AND/OR LOOK UP TO YOU. HE'S STILL (rightfully) UPSET ABOUT SOME STUFF FROM BEFORE BC YALL HAVEN'T ACKNOWLEDGED IT FOR SOME REASON

**rebelen:**  Yeah, what he said

**moneydude:**  over and out

**moneydude:**  now either go on DMs or talk on here but for fUCKs sake t a l k

**rebelen:**  Wait did you actually say "y'all"

**moneydude:**  dude, not the time

**usnavy:** .... @somnysideup we better go to have a chat in real life right now

**sonnysideup:** irl rn

**usnavy:** what?

**sonnysideup:** nothing. c u at the bodega

 

_sonnysideup has left the chat_

 

**usnavy:** christ

**rebelen:**  Look, I'm kind of out of the loop, but I'm sure it'll be okay

**rebelen:**  You guys really care about each other

**usnavy:** ... yeah

**usnavy:** uh, thanks, alex

**moneydude:**  no problemo

**moneydude:**  now go talk to sonny and hug him and cry a lot, probably

**usnavy:** <3

**Author's Note:**

> LET EVERYONE BE HAPPY 2017
> 
> feel free to talk to me at my tumblr, rainbowblue13!


End file.
